If I Don't Say This Now...I Will Surely Break...

hmm...i dont know where to start with this one...i am angry...just so so so angry, i can feel hate in my veins and i love it =/. i am just....i dont even know what i am....

why is it that i seek the darkness while others seek out the light? Why would i rather stand alone when others group together?

People don't need me...people forget so easily, people move on, if i disappeared from this earth no one would notice...some might...but then my memory will eventually disperse from their minds and that would be it. I would no longer exist.

People do not care...but for themselves...they do what is convenient for them and only for them...they would no more than share a thought than give comfort to others.

And i have to ask myself...is it really worth protecting? is it really worth caring about others when they wouldnt give a damn second thought about how you feel? I find it disgusting, at how people do this. Yes there are 2 or 3 people who i know that really and i mean REALLY care about how others feel and my hat goes off to them. At least i know that 3 people actually want to help

i need something...a fix in my life...a sense of purpose...a sense of duty...a sense of being needed.

Money...that would give me my fix in life...it would actually start my life, get me away from the pathetic excuse of a living.

Joining the army or being in a high ranking position in a company...yea that would give me purpose and a sense of duty...but then again...what am i protecting? or am i just fighting so that i can live for the battle.

Love?.......that would give me every one of those things...a fix in life, a sense of purpose and duty and most importantly...the feeling of being needed by someone. I need someone who i can come home to after a long hard day at work and hug and kiss. i need someone who i can take to the park and lay in the grass with. I need someone who i can laugh with on a cold rainy day and someone who i can dance with at all those formal dinners where the background is soft piano tones like that of So Close By Jon McLaughlin and the liquid in every drink is only of the finest champagne...and yes we will have fights and battles but they will always end in care and forgiveness and there will be those moments where we will stay up all night just talking about everything...but nothing at all and il get to hear those three words i love you but i will also get to say them.

But there that is the perfect life isnt it? To be honest life isnt perfect, it just turns out that some people are luckier than others, some will meet their life's partner in a relatively short time and some will take longer. Some will never experience pain while some will experience a whole lot of it. Some will think they have found someone who is truly special and different until your dreams are suddenly crushed...but i want to tell you this... i do not want you to give up...i want you to take it in your stride and say that she was not the one, no matter how wrong you convince yourself that you are when you say that. But trust yourself. Because we all have a soul mate and a purpose in life...and don't you ever give up until you find that person and that purpose=)

And hey...you...yea you, the girl whos reading this..if you want to read this =/. i havent been completely truthful to you...i do not have a mind that can throw away things it doesnt like.. that isnt true at all, beacause the truth is, is that i never ever forget, i just choose what i want to remember and...well...im not sure how much you realise it hurts me to choose to remember. You are just like a fist that keeps punching my heart and soon enough there will be a hole and no heart will be left....i think you will make a speedy recovery from all this and that is a good thing =). sigh what can i say... u gave me some of the best memories but memories that i cant afford to remember because its too hard to. Maybe your stronger than i am to remember them, but all i know is, is that i cant.

Why do i choose to seek out the darkness while others choose to hide in the light?

Why do i choose to stand alone while others stand together united?

Why do i choose to embrace the shadows that surround me when i should oppose them?

Why do i choose to cause pain and suffering to those i hate while others choose to forgive?

Why is it that i want to build fantastic things and change the world but i am becoming so angry because i can't seem to do that...

So the only thing i seem good as doing is to destroy...destroying is easier than building...

It is simpler not to have a heart...or to have a soul...it is easier to be a machine...

It is easier to be someone of evil than someone of good...

I have been losing more and more...slowly...

It started when i was about...say 12? It was the voices...the fucking voices...

The screams, the cries, the whispers...and then SNAP... i become so unafraid...so full of hatred that i didn't care, and the voices kept coming...again and again, but i didn't stop and hide in the light, instead it kept me alive, kept me living.

The Demons had become my tame to me.

It was like the dark which i had so long feared had become my ever needing ecstasy.

-Jackie Estacado-